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Jan. 14th, 2014




Dec. 29th, 2013


(no subject)

I miss you boo. So much. No one compares to you. I wish this didn't happen and we could continue cuddling eachother at night and be a family. I keep searching the world for something out there I could want. But I know what I want. And I'm so sad because I can't have it. You hurt me. My heart my soul my pride. Everything is broken. I wish to God you could fix it. I miss our hugs our family time our life we were planning. I love you. And I can't stop no matter how hard i try to make myself move on. You still have me. Despite everything. My heart is still in your hands. 

Dec. 24th, 2013



She still loves you. Please. Wake me up from this nightmare. I can't go on feeling this empty inside. Nothing works. I love you. And I don't know why.

Dec. 18th, 2013


I miss

I miss the days we spent together
Hand in hand, heart beat to heart beat.
Scheming random late night adventures
In a room lit with sparkling lights
That made me all the more dizzy while lying next to you.

I miss the days when we were poor
For these are the days I felt we truly made it.
Slow dancing to Frank Sinatra as the trees outside danced and cheered for us
While the worlds best guard cat was on the lookout.
I miss the days when I felt special
To the only one I wanted for life.
Cuddling up on that free couch of ours
In that tiny shack we called a home
Whispering sweet nothings to each other
While white stars danced aglow from above.

I miss the nights I slept next to him
When everything was peaceful - if but for a moment.
When I had the chance to just hug him and never let him go
The nights when I stayed up late just to study his perfect face
And watch him sleep as any woman in love would do.

I miss the days when we were a family
When I would cook dinner for us, and we would sit down and talk

I miss the days when he loved me so much he would hop the fence just to see me when I was being stubborn
He will never know how much inside I appreciated that.
For no one else in my life has ever done so and will never do so.

I miss the days when I didn't have to choose between the love of my
life and my family
Days filled with peace, harmony and freedom
Days when I didn't feel threatened or put down
Back when everything was a possibility
Had we BOTH tried

I miss the way he wanted me.
The commitment to the promise even
though we both messed up on our parts.

I miss my best friend; my confidant, my protector

I miss  having a smile on my face.
I miss feeling good and proud of myself.
I miss being the future misses boo
I miss ...

I miss it all 

Dec. 17th, 2013


I lose

I cried today.
Many, many times.
My heart is aching.
He has disappeared.
Our boat crashed against a rock
and into the wild depths of the ocean -
we were thrown.
They say you're never supposed to break the chain
instead, he broke me.
And no matter what I do to try and fix it
I always lose
My heart is aching
as I cried many, many times today. 

Dec. 12th, 2012


Christmas Time Is Here

I took a drive today with my mom to Burlingame to check on my incisions. Luckily, they I am healing well - physically. On the way back, I really reveled in all of the Christmas decorations around people's houses. Everything looked so beautiful. The trees had shed most of their leaves and the smell of pine filled the air. It took me back to this time last year when my life was so different. And in my perspective, so peaceful.
There we were, sitting at our little IKEA dinner table, cutting fishing line in various lengths to tie on to tiny snowflake ornaments that were to hang down from our ceiling. Back then I had really wanted to make our apartment feel more like a home, so I was really into the Christmas Spirit and was so very. very happy. Pandora's "Frank Sinatra Christmas" station played all night long. We didn't have much - didn't even have a christmas tree - we were so broke. But we did our best. We tied a pretty red bow we found at the dollar store to the back of our door and hung a little bell around the handle so that it would jingle whenever someone would come in. I remember feeling so happy that I had got to put up my own christmas decorations on the window - the ones that stick on and people can look at and smile. I remember getting so damn excited at the dollar store when I found out we got the last package left. I know I never told him any of this before, but that was one of my favorite memories I'd always cherish.
Sometimes we'd dance to the Frank Sinatra music. I was never a dancer, but he always turned me into one when he held my hand. I FELT the love back then. I felt it radiating from him as bright as the christmas lights we had put up in the living room. Slow dancing with him in our first home made me feel so happy, with the lights out and nothing on but those lights and maybe a few candles. It was so intimate. I was so proud of what we were, where we were going. It was supposed to go up from there. We were only a few months into our engagement; I felt excited, I felt happy. But most of all, I felt loved and happy.
Sure we never had a perfect time. There were some dramatics thrown in there somewhere along the way. There always is with anyone's relationship. But I loved that time, not because it was mine but because it was ours. It was our life we were making, and preparing for the next huge milestones that were to come about. I wanted so badly to keep it that way forever. I wanted so badly to have him be mine forever.
On Christmas Day, he did something for me that nobody else in the world ever did for me. He bought me Sky, my first and very own Siberian Husky - a dog I've wanted since I was around 5 years old. I know it sounds bad butttttt I think I remember crying more when I got the dog than when I got the ring LOL. It's one thing to love somebody so much to propose to them. It's another to take someone completely by surprise like that and work so hard to make your dreams come true. I looked up with him with this beautiful puppy in my lap and thought, Me? This beautiful  gift was for ME?! This ... ugly duckling that had prayed so hard when she was 5 and getting teased everyday of her life that God take away her life the way humans 'take away' spiders by crushing them with shoes. This ugly duckling ... meant something to somebody? Somebody thought enough, and cared enough about me to do this for me? I was just sitting there in awe and dumbstruck. God had finally given me my prince and I didn't care if it was by dog or by great white stallion. This beautiful, amazing, sweet, loving man had just made MY ENTIRE YEAR.
And I never got a chance to tell him that.
Fast forward to today when I'm home and sitting outside with a cup of tea just looking up at the trees, noticing the bareness that's befallen the yard. I feel like these trees. Alone, bare, cold, on the verge of death. I feel lifeless, I feel breathless. My oxygen has been knocked out of my lungs and I'm starving for life to lead me back on that path of feeling wholesome, useful and beautiful again. But I don't know how to do this on my own. I don't want to. I want to do this with him, I want to work. I've always wanted to make his life mean something, to make him feel the way he made me feel. The first step I'm taking to do this has been to diet. It's been hard this week but I've done it. The second step I've taken today is that I've decided to stop the major opiate pain medications I've had a tendancy to overuse. I want to get better. I have to get better. I NEED HIM. Like the trees need their leaves. Its a partnership that nature simply set up this way. And the whole universe is screaming at me not to let this go. My fortune cookie said, "Never Give Up" and I believe in that. I believe in us. I believe in him, and I'm starting to believe in me. I just don't want to know what life is like without someone who I truly believe to be my very own soulmate. My SOULMATE. I will always, forever love him in my heart and will never ever love a man like him again; If I don't try I'll always be left wondering, "what if...?"
So if you're reading this Sean, my darling, I love you. I love you! I just do! I can't help it. I'm the tree and you're my leaf. I need you so that I can live. So that we can live. I'm not ready to give up and I'm praying something inside of you is telling you the same. You're in my head all the time and I can't and won't get you out of my head because I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I want us to work together. And when I say 'us' I really and truly mean 'us', myself included in that. Sometimes I lose sight of my path. I get too weak (or feel that I'm too weak) to go on, but I need you to cheer me on. I'll be your cheerleader!! I'll get groceries!! I'll drive!! (once I'm recovered from this of course - the physical stuff not about the cheerleader). I miss you so much. And our slowdances. What I wouldn't give to dance with you. I wish we danced more and argued less. We can have that life again if you want it. I'm learning everyday as I go how I'm supposed to grow up. You don't get a manual on wtf to do when you're transitioning from a child into an adult - especially if you've been emotionally as stunted as I have with various deaths in my family and sickness and all the other bullshit that's happened. I have the drive to and I ...I just miss waking up next to you each day. I miss you - you're my family. And you're my home. My soul resides inside of you just as much as yours does within mine. This is so hard to do this and so just fucking stupid, really. It's such shit to fight like this with someone you love. I just want to get over all of this (not by pushing it away and not dealing with it, but by litterally working through/out these things). I want to feel the love again with you because you're my other half. I just am not whole when my other half is nowhere to be found.
I love you and hope you contact me later. I'm praying santa will bring us back together for this holiday season and that God will help see us through. I know I'm surely going to need him in my travels ahead of me with weight and all of that. I've never really dealt with these issues in this way before, in this mindset, so I'm going to need so much help from Him, TJ, my grandma and hopefully you. I'm so lost without you and want my boo in a giant stocking this year with a bow on his head. You don't even have to wrap yourself I'll take you as you are. And without the stocking. You and a bow (gotta keep it exciting, you know?). I'll be that happy girl once again if you'll do me that honor. Please.
I love you, like no other woman can love a man. You're my past, present and future all rolled into one. If I lose you, I'll lose me too and I hate losing. :(
You're my bestest boo. My bestest, bestest buddy. And I wouldn't change that for the world.

Dec. 10th, 2012


I Never Told You

I never told you I wanted this to be our song at our wedding.
I never told you I wanted to dance with you just one more time. To see you smile one more time.
I never thought I'd wake up with half a heart and cry my eyes out wishing for my other half to see me when he doesn't.
I always told you that I never wanted to know what its like to be without you. I never knew how hard it truly was going to be.
I never thought I'd be hugging chicky this hard.
I never thought I'd feel this alone. But I do.
I never told you my favorite memories consisted of us simply dancing. Not physically talking, but with our hearts and our souls.
I never told you I felt closest to you then.
I never told you the day you proposed to me was the happiest day of my life. I didn't care how badly I felt afterwards with how you treated me. I just loved you. With all of me. I wish you could see that.
I never told you I feel lost without you. But I do. You have no idea how badly I just want to leave this earth and be at peace with myself and the rest of the world. I never told you how bad it really is. But its bad and I'm so scared and I never told you being with you makes me feel safe and secure when you're actually nice to me.
I never thought I'd wake up every morning wishing my dreams were real, that this weren't happening, that you could turn a new leaf with me but wake up with nothing but a BellBell and stuffed chick to cling to.
I never told you that you were my rock and I was desperately holding onto before I fell over the cliff of no return.
I never told you how much power you really do have over me. I never told you how much you really do have the ability to make me either feel like the shittiest woman in the world or the happiest. But you do and you still do. I wish you saw that.
I never told you I loved when you started farting with me because it meant you felt comfortable to be that stupidly gross with me.
I never told you that I was just content being in the same room with you, even if we didn't physically talk because I knew there was something there in the air that was always communicating my feelngs.
I never told you that I was always rooting for you.
I never told you so many many things that I will now never get a chance to say. I can't possibly write them all down because it would take days on end to complete and read.
But the biggest and most important thing I never told you was that I love you unconditionally. You're my everything and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Dec. 9th, 2012



"I really believed he loved me," I thought. "Could I really be so special to somebody as they are to me?" "Could I really be so lucky? Me? Out of everyone in the world? Could I ever be somebody's forever?" A girl whose been teased her whole life for being fat and ugly - a girl who was an ugly duckling that wanted so badly to be a swan. Could I ever make the cut with someone so wonderful? Up until tonight I thought I could. I thought I had it in me. I thought he would never give up on me; on us. But he did. And all I want to do is slip into the greatest unconciousness I've ever known.
There's alot of beauty in being in line to be married to somebody. There's so much love, so much excitement. And I had that. I had that for him. But tonight I found out he did not have that for me. He'd rather be lonely and live a single life than to marry me, someone who had apparently not made the cut. Whatever happened to seeing the inner beauty of a person? Of acknowledging the good in people, in being an optimist? I am beyond heartbroken. I feel less than 3" tall. I must have asked three of my close friends including my father for a spare gun they had so I could end this sad broken life I have. Because God truly made a mistake in taking my brother away from my family and I and not myself.
When I was little I used to look up at the stars and wish I was one of them, up there. Shining bright with all of its beauty; radiating light and warmth upon the cold, dark night. Now whenever I look up I see my brother and all of my past friends and family who have gone on before me. I want so badly to join them and fear when my remaining relatives are going to pass. Whose gonna take care of me? Whose going to give ME hugs when I need them most? Whose going to love ME for ME, unconditionally, with as much sincerity as I love them? These are newly developed thoughts when I've realized I'm probably going to have no one to call my sweetheart in my life. No one to cuddle with on Valentine's Day. No one to see me through my own tough times. I tried so hard to embody what I truly believed love to be. And I did it with such ease because it came so natural to me. I think this is automatic with anybody whose been teased and felt pain their entire lives. It becomes so much easier to empathize and love others when people understand what love ISN'T. It seems hard to believe that some people just don't know what love is. Apparently I've found somebody like this - someone who I thought was older and wiser and could therefore be much more easily trusted. But unfortunately this wasn't the case and I'm finding it so very hard to believe that it happened to me. With someone I wanted to give my life to, a child to, a family to. If I could give him my entire soul I would and thought I was doing a wonderful job at showing that. But apparently one's soul isn't enough to sustain a relationship these days. Unfortunately it seems it comes at the cost of one's pride instead.
I loved him. I STILL love him. I only wish the feeling was returned - if at even half or a quarter of what I gave. All I wanted was to be thrown a bone once in awhile and told to keep my chin up, that becoming a swan would take a long time but he was in my corner ready to back me up when I fell. Because I fall alot, I'll admit that. Mostly at my own demise, I understand this. I just was hoping to have somebody who built me up instead of brought me down. Especially when I was already down. I know its crazy. But I miss him so badly it physically hurts. My chest is burning in pain because it feels my heart has been ripped out of my body and purposely thrown into the trash - used, scarred, and most of all damaged. I just wish he could kiss it and make it all better. I wish he could rebuild this humpty dumpty, but I guess even he wasn't so lucky. At least I'll have a friend in the dumpster bin. Maybe then it won't feel so cold and lonely. Maybe then I could stop the tears. For now, however, the water from my eyes just keeps coming. And I have a feeling they won't depart from my very blushed and tired face for quite some time after how I feel tonight.

Love me tender,
Love me sweet,
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so.

Love me tender,
Love me true,
All my dreams fulfilled.
For my darlin I love you,
And I always will.

Love me tender,
Love me long,
Take me to your heart.
For it's there that I belong,
And well never part.

Love me tender,
Love me dear,
Tell me you are mine.
Ill be yours through all the years,
Till the end of time.

(when at last my dreams come true
Darling this I know
Happiness will follow you
Everywhere you go)

Dec. 3rd, 2012


So Lucky; So Fortunate.

I felt the need to write tonight.
I am really happy and wish to forever remember how this feels for the remainder of my life.
I am calm. I am peaceful.I am AT peace.
Everything recently has been so topsy turvy that I've forgotten what its like to feel content. To feel happy. To feel....at ease.
I am forever grateful.
To friends, to God. To family. Despite the hardship I've been going through I've realized...that the biggest gift I can give to myself is to give myself time to breathe. When things get so tense, when things get so crazy, I seem to forget to do this and allow myself to have the demons in my life take over. But when I breathe, when I close my eyes and allow myself to listen closely to calming music, my whole world is washed anew. I say washed because when the tears come it is the biggest release of energy I have, and when I let them escape my body it makes me feel alive; human again.
I am so grateful to have been blessed with the ability to self reflect in this way, and for having a space I can call my own like this to allow me to share my current feelings. I realize that not everybody has this ability - or even the ability to slow down and breathe - and that makes me sad. So much in this world can be fixed if one just took a step back to acknowledge the good in their lives. The happy. The content. And yes, the sad. All events we deal with in life mold us into who we are. We have the wonderful ability as humans to shed the bad and embrace the good. And I want to remember that this is my ultimate goal. To step back from all stressful events and realize I have a great family, wonderful doctors, and a loving fiance to help shed the negative energy out of myself. It just feels so amazing to do so - like a physical dieting cleanse - I feel pure again. Able to focus on the little things; do the little things in life that matter to so many. I have a heart that is filled with so much love for so many people, I have to remind myself that this is my ultimate goal: to share as much love as I have, for so many people have little of it in their hearts. It saddens me to think this because I believe everyone deserves to share in this same feeling. Not everyone has the ability to self-reflect (in an honest way) and bring out that candle of hope, however small that may be, for it makes a mighty flame. I want to help people learn how to do that. If there has ever been a calling for me, it's that.
And to think it all started with one, slow deep breath.
Sometimes thats all it takes. Sometimes one small step leads to more, greater steps, that can help change the world we live in.
I am so lucky - so fortunate - that I have been blessed with this ability to tap into my inner strengths to see, know and understand this about myself.
I will not let myself let God down.
This is me. At my rawest. Being my most pure self. I cannot wait to embark on the journey ahead because God will be lighting my way.
And that is all I'll ever need.

Nov. 25th, 2012


Hard Times

I feel so distraught. So lonely. So hurt.
I feel so sad. So anxious. So ....fucked up.

Everything hurts. My head. My heart. My sternum. Last Monday I had cardio thorassic surgery to remove what they thought was a tumor and had to crack open my bones to get to it. I laid strain out in the hospital bed for a week - with hardly anyone by my side. A few very good friends came to me and that really cheered me up. But the one person I wanted there more than anything in the world, wasn't.
He promised me he would be there. No matter what happened to me, he'd always come running. I have no idea what I did to make him so angry. Apparently he's been hurt by me and all I want to do is make things right but he refuses to let me do so. He makes me feel so small; he makes me want to crawl under a rock and attempt to die. Abandonment is what I feared and abandonment is what I got. No amount of tears I have on my face can ever change that. It doesn't matter how painful it is to breathe through this incision, I can't seem to stop. I love him and don't want him to leave. I want to be a better person and an even better partner - I already thought I was, but he didn't see it that way. He wanted more from me and I tried so hard to deliver, but even then he doesn't believe me and corners me to a place where there's no way out but to simply cry.
I've been made out to feel like a fatass, that no one would want me unless i got down to a certain weight. I've been told he hates having to turn the lights off just to fuck me. Many say he's not worth it. But this is my best friend. I know its a terrible oxymoron to say that. But its my truth. Both resentment and love are, I guess, interwoven with me too, I just thought if I were to supress the resentment that things would be okay. I wanted nothing more than to make him happy, to make him feel loved, to make him feel whole. But now he tells me its all my fault that this is happening and all I feel like doing is cutting myself or worse.
I dont want to know a world in which he doesnt exist.I don't want to feel that. I don't want to experience it. I just want to be loved, and he's loved me so well I want to love him back too. He's just done and I'm falling to peices.
I hope this doesn't last. I hope to God he doesnt take me out of his life.
At least I'm wanting...willing...to try, right? I want to be that person for him so bad. I didn't see it. I just didn't see it.

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