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January 2014

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Hard Times

I feel so distraught. So lonely. So hurt.
I feel so sad. So anxious. So ....fucked up.

Everything hurts. My head. My heart. My sternum. Last Monday I had cardio thorassic surgery to remove what they thought was a tumor and had to crack open my bones to get to it. I laid strain out in the hospital bed for a week - with hardly anyone by my side. A few very good friends came to me and that really cheered me up. But the one person I wanted there more than anything in the world, wasn't.
He promised me he would be there. No matter what happened to me, he'd always come running. I have no idea what I did to make him so angry. Apparently he's been hurt by me and all I want to do is make things right but he refuses to let me do so. He makes me feel so small; he makes me want to crawl under a rock and attempt to die. Abandonment is what I feared and abandonment is what I got. No amount of tears I have on my face can ever change that. It doesn't matter how painful it is to breathe through this incision, I can't seem to stop. I love him and don't want him to leave. I want to be a better person and an even better partner - I already thought I was, but he didn't see it that way. He wanted more from me and I tried so hard to deliver, but even then he doesn't believe me and corners me to a place where there's no way out but to simply cry.
I've been made out to feel like a fatass, that no one would want me unless i got down to a certain weight. I've been told he hates having to turn the lights off just to fuck me. Many say he's not worth it. But this is my best friend. I know its a terrible oxymoron to say that. But its my truth. Both resentment and love are, I guess, interwoven with me too, I just thought if I were to supress the resentment that things would be okay. I wanted nothing more than to make him happy, to make him feel loved, to make him feel whole. But now he tells me its all my fault that this is happening and all I feel like doing is cutting myself or worse.
I dont want to know a world in which he doesnt exist.I don't want to feel that. I don't want to experience it. I just want to be loved, and he's loved me so well I want to love him back too. He's just done and I'm falling to peices.
I hope this doesn't last. I hope to God he doesnt take me out of his life.
At least I'm wanting...willing...to try, right? I want to be that person for him so bad. I didn't see it. I just didn't see it.