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January 2014

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"I really believed he loved me," I thought. "Could I really be so special to somebody as they are to me?" "Could I really be so lucky? Me? Out of everyone in the world? Could I ever be somebody's forever?" A girl whose been teased her whole life for being fat and ugly - a girl who was an ugly duckling that wanted so badly to be a swan. Could I ever make the cut with someone so wonderful? Up until tonight I thought I could. I thought I had it in me. I thought he would never give up on me; on us. But he did. And all I want to do is slip into the greatest unconciousness I've ever known.
There's alot of beauty in being in line to be married to somebody. There's so much love, so much excitement. And I had that. I had that for him. But tonight I found out he did not have that for me. He'd rather be lonely and live a single life than to marry me, someone who had apparently not made the cut. Whatever happened to seeing the inner beauty of a person? Of acknowledging the good in people, in being an optimist? I am beyond heartbroken. I feel less than 3" tall. I must have asked three of my close friends including my father for a spare gun they had so I could end this sad broken life I have. Because God truly made a mistake in taking my brother away from my family and I and not myself.
When I was little I used to look up at the stars and wish I was one of them, up there. Shining bright with all of its beauty; radiating light and warmth upon the cold, dark night. Now whenever I look up I see my brother and all of my past friends and family who have gone on before me. I want so badly to join them and fear when my remaining relatives are going to pass. Whose gonna take care of me? Whose going to give ME hugs when I need them most? Whose going to love ME for ME, unconditionally, with as much sincerity as I love them? These are newly developed thoughts when I've realized I'm probably going to have no one to call my sweetheart in my life. No one to cuddle with on Valentine's Day. No one to see me through my own tough times. I tried so hard to embody what I truly believed love to be. And I did it with such ease because it came so natural to me. I think this is automatic with anybody whose been teased and felt pain their entire lives. It becomes so much easier to empathize and love others when people understand what love ISN'T. It seems hard to believe that some people just don't know what love is. Apparently I've found somebody like this - someone who I thought was older and wiser and could therefore be much more easily trusted. But unfortunately this wasn't the case and I'm finding it so very hard to believe that it happened to me. With someone I wanted to give my life to, a child to, a family to. If I could give him my entire soul I would and thought I was doing a wonderful job at showing that. But apparently one's soul isn't enough to sustain a relationship these days. Unfortunately it seems it comes at the cost of one's pride instead.
I loved him. I STILL love him. I only wish the feeling was returned - if at even half or a quarter of what I gave. All I wanted was to be thrown a bone once in awhile and told to keep my chin up, that becoming a swan would take a long time but he was in my corner ready to back me up when I fell. Because I fall alot, I'll admit that. Mostly at my own demise, I understand this. I just was hoping to have somebody who built me up instead of brought me down. Especially when I was already down. I know its crazy. But I miss him so badly it physically hurts. My chest is burning in pain because it feels my heart has been ripped out of my body and purposely thrown into the trash - used, scarred, and most of all damaged. I just wish he could kiss it and make it all better. I wish he could rebuild this humpty dumpty, but I guess even he wasn't so lucky. At least I'll have a friend in the dumpster bin. Maybe then it won't feel so cold and lonely. Maybe then I could stop the tears. For now, however, the water from my eyes just keeps coming. And I have a feeling they won't depart from my very blushed and tired face for quite some time after how I feel tonight.

Love me tender,
Love me sweet,
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so.

Love me tender,
Love me true,
All my dreams fulfilled.
For my darlin I love you,
And I always will.

Love me tender,
Love me long,
Take me to your heart.
For it's there that I belong,
And well never part.

Love me tender,
Love me dear,
Tell me you are mine.
Ill be yours through all the years,
Till the end of time.

(when at last my dreams come true
Darling this I know
Happiness will follow you
Everywhere you go)