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Meezie!

January 2014

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Meezie!

I Never Told You

I never told you I wanted this to be our song at our wedding.
I never told you I wanted to dance with you just one more time. To see you smile one more time.
I never thought I'd wake up with half a heart and cry my eyes out wishing for my other half to see me when he doesn't.
I always told you that I never wanted to know what its like to be without you. I never knew how hard it truly was going to be.
I never thought I'd be hugging chicky this hard.
I never thought I'd feel this alone. But I do.
I never told you my favorite memories consisted of us simply dancing. Not physically talking, but with our hearts and our souls.
I never told you I felt closest to you then.
I never told you the day you proposed to me was the happiest day of my life. I didn't care how badly I felt afterwards with how you treated me. I just loved you. With all of me. I wish you could see that.
I never told you I feel lost without you. But I do. You have no idea how badly I just want to leave this earth and be at peace with myself and the rest of the world. I never told you how bad it really is. But its bad and I'm so scared and I never told you being with you makes me feel safe and secure when you're actually nice to me.
I never thought I'd wake up every morning wishing my dreams were real, that this weren't happening, that you could turn a new leaf with me but wake up with nothing but a BellBell and stuffed chick to cling to.
I never told you that you were my rock and I was desperately holding onto before I fell over the cliff of no return.
I never told you how much power you really do have over me. I never told you how much you really do have the ability to make me either feel like the shittiest woman in the world or the happiest. But you do and you still do. I wish you saw that.
I never told you I loved when you started farting with me because it meant you felt comfortable to be that stupidly gross with me.
I never told you that I was just content being in the same room with you, even if we didn't physically talk because I knew there was something there in the air that was always communicating my feelngs.
I never told you that I was always rooting for you.
I never told you so many many things that I will now never get a chance to say. I can't possibly write them all down because it would take days on end to complete and read.
But the biggest and most important thing I never told you was that I love you unconditionally. You're my everything and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Comments

I never told you the happiest moments of my life were at our humble apartment, the one we could never afford. I didn't care that we had little and close to nothing. All I wanted was to be there with you and create those memories.
I never told you that everytime I hear Frank Sinatra I think of you and those times and have cried even when we were together because I was so grateful to have someone to dance with at those happy times - my one true soulmate.
I never told you that our anniversary meant so much to me. I never fully expressed how much I cherished and respected you, but I do so very much. For you and what you do.
I never told you how much I appreciated you and you not giving up on me and helping me through the darkest times of my life. I never told you I wanted that to be forever.
I never fully completely expressed how much I loved having you as a best friend. I felt completely joined at the hip with you which is why this feels so fucking foreign to me. I don't know how to do it. I don't want to do it.
I never told you how much I wanted to be like you; how much I looked up to you. How much I wanted to emulate your discipline. I never told you how much I envied you. Or how much I truly truly loved you. But I do I swear I do.
I never told you that being with you was better than any high I could ever chase.
I never told you I loved going to the Berkely marina and watching the sunset with you after going to the SMC fair that day. I never told you one of my favorite memories was visiting point reyes and the lighthouse and going to eat a watermellon on the bench of chimney rock. That was so random! But we had so much fun and I miss that! I never told you that I cherished watching you climb that rock climbing wall at SMC. I never told you that walking with you and Sky at Berkeley made me so happy and so proud to be with you. I never told you that walking beside you always made me feel so happy and safe. I really really miss you and hope you see this.