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January 2014

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Christmas Time Is Here

I took a drive today with my mom to Burlingame to check on my incisions. Luckily, they I am healing well - physically. On the way back, I really reveled in all of the Christmas decorations around people's houses. Everything looked so beautiful. The trees had shed most of their leaves and the smell of pine filled the air. It took me back to this time last year when my life was so different. And in my perspective, so peaceful.
There we were, sitting at our little IKEA dinner table, cutting fishing line in various lengths to tie on to tiny snowflake ornaments that were to hang down from our ceiling. Back then I had really wanted to make our apartment feel more like a home, so I was really into the Christmas Spirit and was so very. very happy. Pandora's "Frank Sinatra Christmas" station played all night long. We didn't have much - didn't even have a christmas tree - we were so broke. But we did our best. We tied a pretty red bow we found at the dollar store to the back of our door and hung a little bell around the handle so that it would jingle whenever someone would come in. I remember feeling so happy that I had got to put up my own christmas decorations on the window - the ones that stick on and people can look at and smile. I remember getting so damn excited at the dollar store when I found out we got the last package left. I know I never told him any of this before, but that was one of my favorite memories I'd always cherish.
Sometimes we'd dance to the Frank Sinatra music. I was never a dancer, but he always turned me into one when he held my hand. I FELT the love back then. I felt it radiating from him as bright as the christmas lights we had put up in the living room. Slow dancing with him in our first home made me feel so happy, with the lights out and nothing on but those lights and maybe a few candles. It was so intimate. I was so proud of what we were, where we were going. It was supposed to go up from there. We were only a few months into our engagement; I felt excited, I felt happy. But most of all, I felt loved and happy.
Sure we never had a perfect time. There were some dramatics thrown in there somewhere along the way. There always is with anyone's relationship. But I loved that time, not because it was mine but because it was ours. It was our life we were making, and preparing for the next huge milestones that were to come about. I wanted so badly to keep it that way forever. I wanted so badly to have him be mine forever.
On Christmas Day, he did something for me that nobody else in the world ever did for me. He bought me Sky, my first and very own Siberian Husky - a dog I've wanted since I was around 5 years old. I know it sounds bad butttttt I think I remember crying more when I got the dog than when I got the ring LOL. It's one thing to love somebody so much to propose to them. It's another to take someone completely by surprise like that and work so hard to make your dreams come true. I looked up with him with this beautiful puppy in my lap and thought, Me? This beautiful  gift was for ME?! This ... ugly duckling that had prayed so hard when she was 5 and getting teased everyday of her life that God take away her life the way humans 'take away' spiders by crushing them with shoes. This ugly duckling ... meant something to somebody? Somebody thought enough, and cared enough about me to do this for me? I was just sitting there in awe and dumbstruck. God had finally given me my prince and I didn't care if it was by dog or by great white stallion. This beautiful, amazing, sweet, loving man had just made MY ENTIRE YEAR.
And I never got a chance to tell him that.
Fast forward to today when I'm home and sitting outside with a cup of tea just looking up at the trees, noticing the bareness that's befallen the yard. I feel like these trees. Alone, bare, cold, on the verge of death. I feel lifeless, I feel breathless. My oxygen has been knocked out of my lungs and I'm starving for life to lead me back on that path of feeling wholesome, useful and beautiful again. But I don't know how to do this on my own. I don't want to. I want to do this with him, I want to work. I've always wanted to make his life mean something, to make him feel the way he made me feel. The first step I'm taking to do this has been to diet. It's been hard this week but I've done it. The second step I've taken today is that I've decided to stop the major opiate pain medications I've had a tendancy to overuse. I want to get better. I have to get better. I NEED HIM. Like the trees need their leaves. Its a partnership that nature simply set up this way. And the whole universe is screaming at me not to let this go. My fortune cookie said, "Never Give Up" and I believe in that. I believe in us. I believe in him, and I'm starting to believe in me. I just don't want to know what life is like without someone who I truly believe to be my very own soulmate. My SOULMATE. I will always, forever love him in my heart and will never ever love a man like him again; If I don't try I'll always be left wondering, "what if...?"
So if you're reading this Sean, my darling, I love you. I love you! I just do! I can't help it. I'm the tree and you're my leaf. I need you so that I can live. So that we can live. I'm not ready to give up and I'm praying something inside of you is telling you the same. You're in my head all the time and I can't and won't get you out of my head because I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I want us to work together. And when I say 'us' I really and truly mean 'us', myself included in that. Sometimes I lose sight of my path. I get too weak (or feel that I'm too weak) to go on, but I need you to cheer me on. I'll be your cheerleader!! I'll get groceries!! I'll drive!! (once I'm recovered from this of course - the physical stuff not about the cheerleader). I miss you so much. And our slowdances. What I wouldn't give to dance with you. I wish we danced more and argued less. We can have that life again if you want it. I'm learning everyday as I go how I'm supposed to grow up. You don't get a manual on wtf to do when you're transitioning from a child into an adult - especially if you've been emotionally as stunted as I have with various deaths in my family and sickness and all the other bullshit that's happened. I have the drive to and I ...I just miss waking up next to you each day. I miss you - you're my family. And you're my home. My soul resides inside of you just as much as yours does within mine. This is so hard to do this and so just fucking stupid, really. It's such shit to fight like this with someone you love. I just want to get over all of this (not by pushing it away and not dealing with it, but by litterally working through/out these things). I want to feel the love again with you because you're my other half. I just am not whole when my other half is nowhere to be found.
I love you and hope you contact me later. I'm praying santa will bring us back together for this holiday season and that God will help see us through. I know I'm surely going to need him in my travels ahead of me with weight and all of that. I've never really dealt with these issues in this way before, in this mindset, so I'm going to need so much help from Him, TJ, my grandma and hopefully you. I'm so lost without you and want my boo in a giant stocking this year with a bow on his head. You don't even have to wrap yourself I'll take you as you are. And without the stocking. You and a bow (gotta keep it exciting, you know?). I'll be that happy girl once again if you'll do me that honor. Please.
I love you, like no other woman can love a man. You're my past, present and future all rolled into one. If I lose you, I'll lose me too and I hate losing. :(
You're my bestest boo. My bestest, bestest buddy. And I wouldn't change that for the world.