On November 1st of 2012, my doctor's discovered I had a mass in my chest the size of a golf ball or more. I had been having shortness of breath - especially when talking - and knew that something hadn't been right. Everyone had tried to tell me to be calm about this. To keep my head up. To be strong and that God delivers. And I know he can. I just feel I need that. I need that God I've always relied on my entire life to get me through so many things. The death of my brother, the (now, most recent) death of my Grandmother. If its anything I've noticed about myself throughout the years is that I am actually quite an introvert - despite the hard exterior everyone seems to believe I have. I'm finding that the more tragedies and medical scares that go by me, the quieter I become, listening for others who may need help. I don't know what changed this, as I remember my gregarious side getting on everyones nerves when I was a child. But I guess I didn't know that growing up would change alot of my personality in that way. I didn't think I'd lose my grandmother, or my brother.
I need help. From my former self, my future self, and God. Only I can do something about this problem. But I'm like a kid wandering in a dark room by themselves, with only a candle lit for light. And as soon as there's a shift in the wind, I'm there, blank, watching, waiting, praying for somebody to find me.
God has found me. And I know that with his strength I can overcome any obstacle, any sorrow.
I used to write for other people. I used to entertain. That's one side of my life I don't mind placing publically - as I believe everybody deserves something to make them smile every day of the week. What I think is missing, however, is the nostalgia of being able to write to myself. To help me grow. To help me become the woman I want to become. Two girl who wrote in 2010 is gone. But her legacy still carries on with me in such hardship.
I hope someday I can help others with their hardships. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't give for another person to feel that one second of happiness....so she can look back and remember, that God was with her that day.