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Nov. 12th, 2012

Meezie!

It's Been a Quite Long Time....Oh Dear.

I am so fortunate to be able to come back after two whole years to see that they last memory I left myself was that of to be grateful of the life God had given me as it had something to teach me back then. And it did. Today I think of myself as a more matured person - in not just one way - but in many ways. I am now a year away from graduating with two degrees. I have the most wonderful endearing fiance in my life who sticks by me everytime I slip. I have learned so much from who I was in the past. So much so, that it's brought me back to here, today, to speak again to myself, that I can't let my words of the last two years fade within me.

On November 1st of 2012, my doctor's discovered I had a mass in my chest the size of a golf ball or more. I had been having shortness of breath - especially when talking - and knew that something hadn't been right. Everyone had tried to tell me to be calm about this. To keep my head up. To be strong and that God delivers. And I know he can. I just feel I need that. I need that God I've always relied on my entire life to get me through so many things. The death of my brother, the (now, most recent) death of my Grandmother. If its anything I've noticed about myself throughout the years is that I am actually quite an introvert - despite the hard exterior everyone seems to believe I have. I'm finding that the more tragedies and medical scares that go by me, the quieter I become, listening for others who may need help. I don't know what changed this, as I remember my gregarious side getting on everyones nerves when I was a child. But I guess I didn't know that growing up would change alot of my personality in that way. I didn't think I'd lose my grandmother, or my brother.

I need help. From my former self, my future self, and God. Only I can do something about this problem. But I'm like a kid wandering in a dark room by themselves, with only a candle lit for light. And as soon as there's a shift in the wind, I'm there, blank, watching, waiting, praying for somebody to find me.

God has found me. And I know that with his strength I can overcome any obstacle, any sorrow.

I used to write for other people. I used to entertain. That's one side of my life I don't mind placing publically - as I believe everybody deserves something to make them smile every day of the week. What I think is missing, however, is the nostalgia of being able to write to myself. To help me grow. To help me become the woman I want to become. Two girl who wrote in 2010 is gone. But her legacy still carries on with me in such hardship.

I hope someday I can help others with their hardships. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't give for another person to feel that one second of happiness....so she can look back and remember, that God was with her that day.

Dec. 17th, 2010

Meezie!

Bliss!!

I am in complete and utter bliss tonight. Although its obviously nice to feel this way, it also feels a bit strange...as so many of my nights leading up to this very moment have been centered around sorrow and death. But what I think I've come to realize over the past few weeks is that God puts us all through tough times to learn something; to become a better person and reflect on what it is we are actually on this Earth for. With my brother's passing, I've learned to let go of an abundance of bullshit that happens in everyday life that's so petty it's not even worth arguing over. And with the recent death of Angela Repetti, I've learned that a smile is all it takes to truly make someones day, even their lives. It's been hard for me to focus on all the positive things that have happened when there have been so many negative experiences within the past two years, but as time continunes to go by, and I see all the good that has come out of such terrible trageties, I am continuously awestruck by not only the strength that my friends and family give me, but also myself. I used to think that I was weak and would never amount to anything more than some nerdy blonde chick at the library. But I have grown so strong and so passionate...and I'm really proud of that. Proud, but more importantly, grateful, to have had such an enlightenment. Its so very humbling, and so very neccesary, I believe, in order to transform from a self-centered teen into a more graceful and kind human being.
And I couldn't have asked for more in my life for that. So thank you God, for my family, my friends, my life...for gracing me with 20 beautiful years with my brother, and for the gift of knowledge and humility. Thank you for my strength, for my heart, and for my soul. Thank you for helping me see the greater good in people and the light shining through grim situations. Thank you for Bella, Kiki, and Angel, all of who have taught me how to love from a very young age...and thank you for all your wonderful teachings in the Bible that help me get through the everyday stresses of life. I could go on and on with these praises - I just have that much to be thankful for. But these are the biggest ones I've been focusing on this past month...and I just felt that I had to write them down for the future me (and maybe others) when they hit a rough spot in their lives.

Nov. 28th, 2010

Meezie!

Epitome



I know you suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Oct. 27th, 2009

Meezie!

Winter Solstice.

I noticed a bunch of stuff today. That I missed my brother, that I missed my old life. That the men in my life that I think are good actually aren't good at all. That I'm actually extremely gulliable when I think I'm being extremely smart.
I noticed that I cried twice today. Both out of anger and fear of the up and coming unknowns about what I'm about to be facing on Monday, and how it will change my life for the good and, perhaps better. There's just so many things going on recently that my head just keeps seeming to spin and spin and spin.
I'm assuming most of its for the greater good; this whole spinning process that's going on in my head. I'm actually suprised I haven't gotten sick from all the spinning. I feel as though I'm going in circles, not so much in terms of spiraling out of control, but rather in terms of desperately hoping to spiral INTO control. I'm having a hard time giving the reins of my life over to God, although I'm desperately praying for him to intervene. I find myself getting really deep into my Bible, trying hard to find some answers; to find some sort of scripture that speaks to me. And most days it does. And then things seem okay for awhile and I feel stronger, even if its just for a moment. But then things start to change for me, and I wonder if ... the feeling stronger wasn't actually feeling strong at all. Whether it was actually in some form, a weakness I had from the start. Me standing on the frontlines, decked out in some shackled armor, a rough, worn out sheild and a sword drawn up in the air. Was that really me to begin with? Or was it all just some bluff? Or was it all some sign from God?
Oh how I wish I knew how to feel...what to do!
...On a more positive note however, I finally saw my best friend today after awhile. We went shopping and got a bunch of new, and amazing things. Despite how bad I feel about everything that's secretly going on inside of me, I feel extremely blessed and fortunate that I've been able to have her in my life, as well as the funds availiable to spend to do the fun things we've been doing together since this has all happened.
In fact, I'm sitting here writing this all by candlelight, with a candle I bought while I was shopping with her. Ironically, the scent from the candle is entitled "Winter".  It's got a certain shade of white to it that makes me curious; although it burns, the color never seems to change. An ever-consistent blank slate of beautiful white; a mesmerizing color that is commonly used to signify that of purity, faith, cleanliness, innocence.
Goodness.
I can but only hope that this is the beginning to a new start. A new sense of me, a new sense of God. Of friends and family. The months ahead will be plauged with grief and sadness. Anger and doubt. Good times and bad times. I'm absolutely 100% sure of it.
I can only hope however that in those moments, I can heed the words of a very powerful man:


 
G. K. Chesterton:

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.

 


 


Oct. 22nd, 2009

Meezie!

Today :)

Jesus, so much has changed with livejournal...I don't even know where to begin! I remember ...a simpler time...back in the day....haha, kidding!
Lets see...didn't do too, too much today. Hung out with my aunt a bit, got our nails done, ate some lunch. It always does me good to spend some quality time with her and talk about random things. Her knees have unfortunately been giving her alot of pain everytime she walks...and she has recently been on many a medication to try and dull it a bit. Today was one of her good days, so I was , naturally, very pleased to take her out for a bit.
We talked about many a thing. School...Family...Friends...Lovers. My brother. I miss him so much sometimes it hurts. I try not to talk about it too much with people in fear of being vulnerable or burdening them with my sorrows. What's going on in the world today is already too terrible to talk about within my circle of pals...so I guess I've been trying to keep my emotions at a distance recently.
Especially since most of those emotions are anger. Who wants to hear about anger? I guess hearing about anger is better than hearing about sadness in alot of respects...but seriously...who wants to be burdened with a 22 yr old bitching about something she couldn't change or control no matter how hard she tried? It's simply too much to put on someone's shoulders right now....let alone....my own...
But that was mainly it. Spent alot of time chatting to old friends (and meeting new ones), adding more and more people I know to view this thing. I hope they add me back....I'm not even sure if half of them still use theirs or not. It was always so nice to hear little updates from everyone, be they good or bad. It gave me the oppurtunity to watch them grow and follow them from a simpler time....where there were no bills to worry about, or jobs or house payments to make. I still love each and every one of them and hold them all close to my heart. So please, if you've recieved an invitation, accept it! :)
I guess that's all for now...wow. What a lame entry post! =/ Alot of this seems very random, now that I've re-read this over again, haha. But oh well, you're just gonna have to deal with it! :) Time to hit the sack!

God bless you all,

Christy :)

Meezie!

Why Hello There :)

*~So I'm back...To The Velvet....Hood Underground...~*

Hi :) I'm back! Yay!!!
As you may or may not already know, I've always been one to journal. When I was kid I used to run around the house,  pen and paper in hand, excited about putting words on a page regarding the days events, along with all of my hopes and (however wild they might have been back then) dreams. I would always record, record, record, my pencil scribbling away the finest of details of everything that had happened in my day, be they good or bad, in hopes that I could always remember where I had come from and how I got to be where I am today. It eventually became so theraputic for me, so vibrant and vital to my existence....that I didn't see myself ever being able to stop and let that part of me fade away. But as time passed and I became older and dealt with certain experiences that I now wish I hadn't, I just fell away from it...and in doing so, fallen away a bit from myself.
 
And so naturally, I'm dying to use this medium again to help me pull more of that inner child I have outside of me, to get her story out, to share her thoughts, feelings and concerns regarding her existence and the world around her existence.  

Yes, so much has happened since those days...so much that I'm finally back where I think I belong.

I'm so ready and so looking forward to keeping in touch with all of my old friends while getting to know newer ones through this experience!

Lots of love to all ! And God bless!

Christy :)


 

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